my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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