Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
People in love make me want to vomit
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
