I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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