It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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