if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
