Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
