I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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