i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
