Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
