woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He passed out mid-signature
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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