not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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