Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
