why didn't you poke me back
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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