Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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