I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
