How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
