You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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