I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
