if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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