Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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