Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
