i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Too much gin, very little bucket
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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