you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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