i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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