I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I got inside last night via doggy door
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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