yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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