Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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