Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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