Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
