From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize