oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
