So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
