Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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