I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
