Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
