I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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