I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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