Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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