I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just cropdusted the office
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What a dumb baby whore.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize