ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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