Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
