there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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