I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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