His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
