He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
