UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
