Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
