i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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