i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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