I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
