Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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