Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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