It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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