Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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