you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
