I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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