That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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