Got a toothbrush?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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